i am in my substance use disorder policy class. it's important but sometimes i cannot help but think about all of my family members who have struggled with sud and how afraid i became of drinking and drugs because of it. i had an uncle who drank so much that i had nightmares about him. i don't think i remember ever seeing him without a drink.

but maybe i'm beginning to understand the urge. no joke.

i'm okay and not okay at the same time. i'm okay as in, i am surviving and i am taking care of myself and my life is going on as always. i get things done even if the background processes (my sleepless nights, etc) are not known to anyone else but me. i am not okay because i am full of anxiety as each day goes on and something else appears in the news. hhs was gutted. where are the dreams of the future now? i didn't have some wild, idealist dream of changing the world within the system but things are worse now than they were before, and the bar is in hell. more people will die unnecessarily. it bothers me (as it should anyone tbh).

i should be graduating. i applied for graduation and signed up for capstone and bought my regalia. now i don't know if that will happen this year. i've always been a worrier but between things and other personal issues, i've just been worrying. be positive, hang in there, etc etc. i won't give up but it's such a like. asian american thing to be like just keep your head down and endure. advice every week from my parents.

sigh. sigh.....